Some helpful don’ts
Thumbs up approved list by me!
You don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I get it. I know it’s not easy.
You may be the type of person to overthink what you are going to say because you are worried about saying the wrong thing. Or, you may be the person who doesn’t think at all until the words are already out of your mouth. Either way, you don’t want to upset your friends or family. In the last year and a half, I’ve had many interactions and experiences that have left at least 1 party involved less than thrilled. Hopefully, this list helps you out.
*These are coming from a place of love
Do not mention dying if it hasn’t been brought up.
I wasn’t worried about dying before but thank you for adding that to my list! If you’re loved one hasn’t brought it up, do not add that extra stressor to their life. They more than likely know the survival rate of their diagnosis. Are they going into surgery? Then they know the risks involved. They make you sign many, many forms stating as such. Yes, we can’t imagine living without you either. We also do not want want to die.
Do not compare chemo/radiation/surgery to anything else.
Even as a joke. It’s not funny. Like, at all. We are not having chemicals pumped into our bodies for funsies. Unless you have been through it, you will never fully understand. Every treatment is different. Even then, you never know what it is really like.
You can just adopt or just get a boob job or just whatever.
I have lost count over the amount of times I was told “you can just adopt.” First of all, that is extremely insensitive to anyone who has gone through the adoption process. Second of all, that is just so rude. Third of all, thank you for so kindly reminding me I can’t have children that are genetically mine. I, like every other patient going through fertility struggles, know my family making options. I’m pretty sure a woman with breast cancer doesn’t want to be going through painful reconstruction surgery JUST for the perky boobs.
Do not tell people when told not to tell people.
It is not your news to share. There is a reason someone said not to share news. The patient gets to decide how and when the news is shared. They may be going down a list of people to call and you are before someone. Or they don’t want to update everyone until they have more information after an appointment. I know what it’s like to update a lot of people with a lot information after a lot of appointments. It’s exhausting. Give them some time to reach out to the people in their life.
If given a window of time to visit, don’t ask to come at another time.
It is so heartwarming you want to come and visit. It really is. But please don’t keep asking if another time will work. There are so many reasons why someone gave you that time frame. Maybe they have an appointment or there’s already going to be 6 people at their house or maybe they just want the time to nap. There are only so many hours in a day and trying to accommodate different people with different work schedules makes things more difficult than it should.
Don’t show up unannounced.
What are you? A murderer? This kind of goes hand in hand with the one above. The gesture is so sweet but you don’t know what is going on at home. Your friend might be in the shower. They could be in the sun-down part of their day and in incredible amount of pain. They could be having a really rough day and want to be left alone with their Ben & Jerry’s. It could be dinner time and you do that weird exchange of “do you want a plate?” “no, I’m going to eat at home.” And then it’s 5 people eating sloppy joes from Eppes Essen and 1 person awkwardly drinking a glass of water. Unless your friend/family said to come at anytime on X date, do not make a surprise visit. It’s not the good kind of surprise. (Maybe it’s ok if you are bringing L-Bagel.)
Do not compare one cancer to another.
Not all cancers are pink. Not all of them are a death sentence. I don’t know what it’s like to have prostate cancer. Joe Shmo down the street doesn’t know what it’s like to have cervical cancer. I’m glad your mom’s hairdresser’s niece beat ovarian cancer but I don’t know what that’s like. Every cancer is very different as are their treatments. Even within the same type of cancer it is not the same. I do not have much in common with a 50 year old man with colon cancer. It’s not to say one is worse than another. They all suck - just in their own special ways.
Do not feel like you can’t complain about things in your life.
I’m sorry you sat in terrible traffic and were late to your meeting. That is the worst! I’ve been there, I get it. Just because our problems are slightly different now doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear them. Any relationship is a two way street and I still want to be someone you can talk to. Do I care Starbucks spelled your name wrong? I mean, not really. Was it 1 of 20 things that also went wrong? Then of course vent to me. That is what friends do. Do not be scared to tell not-happy things to your loved ones. We want some normalcy and that includes hearing about the smelly guy on your team.
Don’t be scared to ask questions.
When you ask questions it shows that you care and want to know what’s going on. Did I become a doctor overnight and now magically know all the answers about colon cancer? Maybe I did - I have a lot of spare time. Asking questions about anatomy or treatment or medications does not mean you are stupid or in the wrong. This a learning process for all parties involved. You may ask a question I haven’t thought about and will want to ask my doctor during my next visit. I ask SO many dumb questions during my appointments. (My doctors say they aren’t dumb but I think they are just trying to make me feel better.) It’s ok to not know where the sigmoid colon is. I sure as hell didn’t before I was diagnosed. Just ask a question. What’s the worst that’s going to happen? I laugh at you?