I’m tired.

The best I could do. Can someone teach me how to do exhausted-chic in sweats on a couch?

I’m so fucking tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. And yes, I am in my mid to late 30’s so I know I will always be some sort of tired. But this is beyond that. I know resting is supposed to be a big part of the cancer treatment but I just don’t feel like I am mastering that. There are many days that I do not move off the couch but my mind is still spinning and my heart feels like it’s going into overdrive with all the competing emotions and feelings. I don’t think I have been normal tired since May 2019 and that’s a really fucking long time. I had other posts I was working on - about my appointments leading up to my 1st surgery, one about my hair and one just letting everyone know how I was doing after my most recent surgery. But my brain just wouldn’t let me get the words out. Every time I opened my laptop, all I kept thinking about was how tired I was. When people ask how I’ve been doing, all I want to say is, I am sore and crampy and I want to take a week-long undisturbed nap. 

I feel bad saying I’m tired. And by bad I mean guilty. I’m not even working now. And all the parents and teachers and doctors who have been living in crazyville for the last year and a half, I can’t even imagine! And to top it off, I’m not even a parent. Or a pet parent. I have 1 plant that I am responsible for. I killed the 2nd one that was supposed to be impossible to kill (Sorry Kevin & Travis - I really tried). I’m not even in a relationship so I don’t even have that to work on. If you are going to tell me I am crazy or stupid for feeling guilty while having cancer I will just get this out of the way now. All of the things I am about to mention are things that my therapist and I talk about and I am working on. It could also be the Jewish guilt in my DNA that makes it impossible for me to not feel guilt over any sort of complaint or inconvenience. I don’t know why I think that feeling tired is a sign of weakness and if I just give in, something bad is going to happen. I mean, I already got cancer and had it come back so fairly certain that is not the case. Nevertheless, here we are.

I will let you in on a little secret. I had a mental breakdown in June 2020. I don’t think my therapists would like it if I called it that but that’s basically what it was. I’m going to do a whole post about it because I think mental health is 100% worth talking about publicly so I will just quickly sum it all up for you. I didn’t sleep for almost an entire week, was having constant panic attacks and couldn’t stop crying. My body finally came out of shock and didn’t know how to process or handle it all. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have been on medication ever since. One of the medications is to help me sleep because my brain doesn’t know how to shut off and stay off in the nighttime. From June 2020 to April 2021, I was getting between 7-10 hours of sleep a night and it was wonderful. And then my chemo started. This wonderful drug that was going to shrink my baby tumors and kill my Carl cells had 2 competing side effects. One was “feeling sleepy”. Great - had it before; not the most ideal but I could handle it. However, the other one that made zero sense to me was “not able to sleep”. COOL! I will feel tired and not be able to nap or sleep through the night! What the eff dude??? My evening drug (Trazodone - if you were wondering) just couldn’t cut through that dumb side effect. I would go to bed at 9:30ish and wake up at 4 and be up for the day feeling like crap while chemicals were being pumped into my chest. It was a great time. So my psychiatrist, Dr. Bengsten, who I am grateful for every day, added klonopin to my nightly meds. It definitely helped with my anxiety but not enough to keep me from waking up at the butt crack of dawn. About halfway through my treatment, it was finally time to bring out the big guns. Olanzapine. What a tiny but mighty pill. This little guy knocked me out and left me very groggy the next day. Like, I could barely function groggy. At first, I was only prescribed enough pills to take while I was on chemo but was then allowed to take it every night since it was actually helping me. However, I didn’t want to live 4-6 weeks half asleep; so I only took it during treatment and decided I would tough it out the other days. I didn’t want to live in a fog but I also wanted the sleep I craved so it was not an easy decision. A few days ago, a month after my last treatment, I finally started to get back on track a bit.

Things that make me physically tired now: standing, walking, sitting, and showering. Any of those things for too long wipe me out. Those are also the only things I’m allowed to do so that’s nice. I had forgotten how much core strength one needs to do anything. It is very frustrating on days when I have to wash my hair because it feels like I did 200 crunches just from lifting my arms up. It’s a real low point in the recovery process. I am not cleared to do any physical activity for another 5 weeks and as much as I miss my spin classes, that is fine with me. Walking around Target is like an olympic sport for me now. In the hospital, 17 laps around the floor was 1 mile. (I did not ask the nurses this, they told me to motivate me to move my ass.) One day I did 11 laps and was exhausted but so proud of myself. Not all at once - I’m not that impressive. As I was getting back into my room to get ready to eat dinner and go to sleep, I heard some middle aged man complete the 17 laps. Game on sir! He got an early start the next day at like 6AM as I was getting my morning meds. I had no idea who he was or what he looked like but I was going to beat his ass. So me and my pole that carried my epidural-fun button meds, my vacuum sealer for my incision, my IV and my pee bag (I still had a catheter) decided I was going to out walk him. I did 6 laps at a time in the morning, afternoon & evening. Besting him by 1 lap in a race he didn’t know he was competing in. By 8:45 that night I was asleep. Since then, I have only been able to walk around my parents block 1 time. It’s not even that big of a street. I also still walk like an 80 year old so that’s not really helping anything either. It’s frustrating to think about how many times I will need to go up and down the stairs or how long I’ll be sitting in the car for. I’m now in a competition with myself and I really do not like to lose. I know the recovery is a marathon, not a sprint but I am hoping I’m at least mile marker 2 or 3. 

Like most single women my age, I am constantly thinking about my family, my friends, my job, finding a boyfriend and starting a family. I start to spin out when I think about any of these topics and my cancer together. My brain has a really hard time separating them out. They are so intertwined that I get overwhelmed and have a panic attack. It’s a vicious cycle that is really hard to get out of. The thoughts just ping pong back and forth in my head and it doesn’t stop. My therapist, Dr. Trevino (who has become my lifesaver) and I are constantly working on tools to help separate the thoughts out. Much easier said than done. Especially since my thoughts don’t seem to stop.

I am constantly feeling guilty of causing extra stress or sadness in my loved ones' lives. I get worried that I might be too needy of a friend. I don’t want to be an obligation to anyone. Is Carl going to come back and I will need to take more time off of work? Will I be able to afford all these treatments and surgeries? Does everyone secretly pity me? Am I not strong enough because I didn’t work through my treatment when other people are able to? Will I ever stop being “my friend with cancer”? Will people stop feeling like they can’t complain to me because they don’t have cancer? Will I stop getting nauseous whenever someone mentions chemo? Will my life ever go back to some sort of normalcy? Did I do something in my life or past life to cause this to happen to me?

How can I even date while going through this? Are there people out there actively dating while in treatment? If you are - can you tell me how? I’m not really into the apps but I think I have to use them because I’m not meeting anyone in my studio apartment or the doctors’ office. I’m also very nervous about bringing all my cancer baggage into a relationship. I know it’s not first date material but is it the 2nd or 3rd? What are the rules? Will a guy become less attracted to me because of my giant human zipper scar? Will my fertility issues cause someone to stop seeing me? Is my need for an egg donor a deal breaker? Will I actually meet a guy who doesn’t care about all of this and I’ll actually be able to carry a baby? Will all my remaining lady parts hold out for this? Dating is hard and I don’t like it.

Now I need my Xanax. And a nap.