My least favorite train ride

I can’t find the picture of me from that train ride. I know I have it somewhere so instead here is a photo of me on the train while writing this.

Amtrak - it’s me not you so don’t take this personally.

I woke up in Heather’s bed and for a half a second I forgot why I was there. And then it hit me all over again. It wasn’t just some crazy dream I had. It was real life. I had actually been told I had a giant ass tumor in my right ovary. Fuck! I was still not in a place where I could eat so I just sat on Heather’s couch while she got dressed for the day and had breakfast. She had let her school know she was going to be late today.  We somehow passed the time until 9AM when the gynecological oncologist's office was open. It was probably filled with facetimes and calls to my family but it’s just a blur in my head now. (I probably should have started this blog a couple years ago so everything was sharp in my brain. Oh well.) For some reason we went downstairs to one of the private lounges to call the doctors. Really don’t know why we didn’t just do it from her apartment.

We called the office that Sibley had provided and made an appointment for the following week. It couldn’t hurt to have a back up appointment in case I couldn’t get into Sloan any sooner. They let me know that I needed the disc with my ultrasound images and I could pick it up later that day. After more phone calls with my family I was off to work. Heather reassured me she would come back to Ro’s apartment after work to be with me. I was sure as hell I couldn’t take the metro and do that walk again; so another Lyft ride later I was back at Nest’s office. No one knew what was going on besides my supervisors so I mustered all the strength I could walking through the door with a smile on my face. And then I remembered I had to walk up a flight of stairs to get to my desk. Fuck me. There goes all the physical strength I had. 

I put my bag down at my desk and went to talk with my supervisors Lydia and Stephanie. I told them how I just couldn’t sit at home all day and constantly think about the news I had just received. I filled them in on all the details that happened the day before because my texts to them were pretty short. They must have had a busy night and morning because Veronica from HR was also in the room to discuss the game plan. Since I had only been there for 3 weeks and still within my 90-day probationary period, I could not get short term disability. They did however, let me know they were holding my job for me so I could keep my health insurance. That was a huge relief. I signed a couple forms, packed up my things and left to head back to Ro’s. Jessica’s day was ending early so she said she would meet at the apartment and go with me back to Sibley to pick up my photos of Carl. Before I realized it, I had started walking back towards the metro. As I was deciding if I should just stop walking and call a car or keep walking, Dr. Bergstrom called me to check in on me. How nice is she!?!?! I had filled her in on what happened and I could hear her genuine concern as she told how sorry she was. She had also asked about my lack of sleep and any anxious feelings I might be experiencing. She told me she was calling in prescriptions for Xanax and Ambien to my pharmacy to help me over the next couple weeks. I had no clue at the time how helpful that was. I had kept walking as I was talking to her so I figured I would just take the metro. So I called my mom to give her an update and before I knew it I was at the Shaw metro. And my body had enough. I quickly hung up with my mom and proceeded to throw up in some bushes outside the metro entrance. What a life highlight that was.

I sipped my ginger ale slowly on the train. I tried to relax and let the air conditioning cool me off. I was doing everything I could to not think about the uphill walk I had ahead of me. I decided to call Adena on the walk to distract me from the pain. She was at a playground with her kids. Nothing like telling one of your oldest friends your worst news while she’s enjoying playtime with her children in a public place. Again, no tears but pure shock. This was the first time I had told someone not to tell people. I wasn’t embarrassed but I didn’t even know what my diagnosis was and didn’t want to have to re-update the world. Also, so many people in my circle weren’t aware yet and it hit me that I had to have this same conversation with so many people. I’m so incredibly lucky to have a lot of friends in my life but holy shit; this was going to suck. I got back to the apartment and collapsed on the couch. My body had enough. Danielle had called shortly after I got back and let me know she was able to get me in to see Dr. Yukio Sonoda on Tuesday morning. She had previously been an OR nurse in the gynecology department and highly recommended him. So that was settled. I cancelled my appointment with Sibley. I booked a one way train and tried not to panic. Shortly after this Jessica arrived and I cried. She listened to me cry-talk and told me we were going to get through it together. She told me inside jokes and stories about the dumb things people in her office did to make me laugh. We took a car back to Sibley and she made fun of how slow I walked.  20 minutes later we were ready to head back so I could do laundry and pack. Half way through the walk out of the hospital I had to sit down and rest because I was in so much pain. Once again she made fun of me for being slower than the 80 year olds walking by. It hurt even more to laugh. 

Back at my apartment, Jessica, Ro & Heather sat and relaxed as I did laundry and figured out what to pack. I had no idea how long I would be gone for or what I needed. As we waited for the last load to be done, Meghan facetimed and more jokes were made to help keep my spirits up. I don’t remember what we talked about. All I remember is Meghan telling me she was going to make me a playlist to have a dance party to whenever I was feeling down. (Kern - I’m still waiting for that so if you could find time between your 2 children, husband, and full time job that would be super!) I could not tell you what I packed; not that it matters. But clothes, a couple pairs of shoes and Baltimore (my stuffed animal I’ve had since I was a baby) were stuffed into a suitcase. I said my goodbyes to Ro & Heather and Jess and I were off to her apartment. She had decided to take the train with me so I wouldn’t be alone. 

It was getting close to dinner time and I hadn’t really eaten all day so we went directly to Trader Joe’s which was across from her building. I was standing in the middle of the frozen food aisle with my suitcase and beyond overwhelmed. There were too many people and too many decisions to make. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t even think. Jessica saw the emotions all over my face and told me there was a change of plans. She gave me the keys to her apartment and told me she would be back in a few minutes. I made myself comfortable and tried to relax as I waited for her.  After a short while, she walked in with McDonalds. She told me chicken nuggets, fries and McD’s fountain soda would cure almost anything. A huge smile came across my face. We put on Murder Mystery and ate fast food like we used to when we were in LA. I managed to eat all 6 of my nuggets and some fries. I had taken 1 of the Xanax to help me relax and help me go to bed. It wasn’t working. Since it was the lowest dose possible, Jess told me to take a 2nd so I would be able to sleep through the night. I dozed on and off through the movie and eventually my body gave in and I was out before 9pm. 

The next morning Jess made me a smoothie so I would have something in my system before our adventure. We weren’t super rushed so it was nice to just relax a bit before we made our way to Union Station. I could not tell you how long we were there before our track was called. I don’t even remember standing in the train station. I do remember as we walked to our train, Meghan called to see how it was going. I remember rambling to her about something. As we made our way down the aisle, I was starting to have a panic attack. There was too much happening around me. I could barely make cohesive sentences. There was too much stimulation going on. Jess told me to hang up the phone and take a couple deep breaths. We found an empty row while I tried to keep my cool. I texted my family letting them know we made it on the train and would see them in 3ish hours. After we left the station, Jessica went to the snack car to get us a couple things. She came back with sodas, Snickers & peanut M&Ms. She knows me so well. She told me to take a Xanax with the treats and try to nap. My brain did not want to shut off. How did I get here? How was it that I was on a one way train to get an official cancer diagnosis? Before this I had loved the train. Watching the scenery while having that gentle vibration to rock you to sleep. This time, any sudden shake and every stop made the pit in my stomach grow bigger. I wanted to do anything to not be on that train. It was the longest 3 hours of my life. I hated every second of that ride. Anytime I heard people talking around me I wanted to yell at them to shut up so I didn’t have to hear the happy things in their life. Didn’t they understand how angry and sad I was!?!?

Somehow we eventually made it to our stop, Newark Penn Station. My parents were waiting for me outside. Jessica walked me to the car and hugs and kisses were had by all. And then Jessica let me know she wasn’t going to come back and stay the night at my parents house. She had just taken the train so I wouldn’t be alone. She had made plans to stay with a friend in the city so I could have the time with my parents. I didn’t have words to thank her. All I could do was hug her tightly. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want this part to be over. It made it more real. I was taking that step toward diagnosis and treatment and I didn’t want to take that next step. I didn’t want to move forward. I wanted to be blissfully unaware I was sick. But that train had already left the station.