Plan C

I met a man in Rome and he’s wonderful and brilliant and we’re getting married. Wait. Nope. Not me. I have never been to Rome. And did not meet a man. And definitely not getting married in 5 months. Being single with no kids & having cancer was never the plan. So let’s go out on a limb and say that Plan A definitely did not work out.

During one of my pre-surgery visits there was a poster promoting a “Dating after Cancer” class. I remember looking at it and laughing. I thought I will definitely not be needing this. (Narrator: she definitely would be needing this) I thought my cancer would be a quick little blip, I’d have 1 good ovary and things would be back to normal. Oh sweet past Jen. You were so dumb and naive. Dr. Trevino (my therapist) and I will talk about things that are a “cancer person problem” and a “normal person problem”. Dating is the overlap of these two problems that has caused more tears and frustration than most other things in my life.

Annie Banks got married at 22. My parents met in college and my mom was 22 when they got married. I always assumed that would happen to me. When I was in college and realized I did not meet the man of my dreams, I figured I would meet him while I was in my early 20’s. Stef and Chris met in college and were married at 27. Marc met Danielle shortly after college and he was married in his mid 20’s. I had other friends meet their spouses and marry in their early to mid 20’s. Maybe because I didn’t put myself out there enough and wasn’t into the sites/apps back then, I never met Mr. Right then either. By 30, I was dating a guy I didn’t really like who I knew was wrong for me. I stayed with him longer than I should have because I didn’t want to be alone. It was also long distance so there isn’t too much logic to that part either. After I came to my senses and ended that I relationship, I started to feel like maybe I should try harder. There would be some guys, but no one great. Nothing long lasting. And then at 34, fucking Carl comes into the picture to fuck shit up. It is safe to say that going into the whole cancer thing without a boyfriend or husband (with or without kids) really sealed the deal on Plan B.

There are so many stories featuring women with cancer, especially colon cancer who were diagnosed after being married and having a family. And honestly fuck those spotlights. Show me interviews with a woman who is talking about her fertility in her mid 30’s with her parents in the room. Play me the video of being asked if you are sexually active in front of them. If you think you know how awkward it is, it is so much worse than you can possibly think. And for the record, I said “In life yes, currently no.” (I felt that was the honest and least embarrassing answer for all parties involved.) I want to hear the testimonials of women saying they are worried that no person will love them with all this additional baggage and not about how they are thriving now more than ever with their spouse and kids. Fuck that. And if you’re reading this and this is your situation, please don’t take it personally, but this post isn’t about you.

I have never been self conscious about my scar or my port. I was only nervous about it when it came part to being intimate with a guy, if he would be turned off by it and by my body. How would I even go about actually mentioning it to someone? I was convinced early on I would never meet anyone. And fucking Carl was taking time away from me trying to meet someone - just delaying even more time I couldn’t get back. (please note - I still wasn’t on a dating site at the time.) There’s a lot of time to think with cancer. When you’re already upset about being single, time doesn’t do anything to help the situation. However, a surprise was waiting for me shortly after I began chemo.

A guy I had gone to high school with reached out to see how I was doing. He was living locally and said if I ever wanted to hang out to let him know. We texted a bit and I did take him up on his offer. I figured we would get coffee or hang out at his place, but nope, he took me on a walk that was definitely over 2 miles. Did I mention that I had recently had surgery and just started chemo?!?! I had definitely not walked that much in well over 2 months. I physically do not know how I made it through. But it felt good to be out of the house and play catch up with someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to since I was 15. It felt almost normal. I also looked like a hot mess that day. No really - my clothes didn’t match and my hair was in some ridiculous messy bun. I truly wasn’t trying to impress anyone. The more we hung out, the stronger the chemistry. It was honestly the last thing I was ever expecting. One night after pizza and a movie, he had driven me home. We sat in front of my parents house for probably another 15 minutes or so just talking. And then we were kissing goodnight. I remember thinking, 1 - he’s a very good kisser. 2 - you are kissing in front of your parents house like this IS high school and 3 - you have cancer. What the fuck is happening!?!? But somehow it felt right. Like yes, I am being dealt a really bad hand so I am being rewarded with a good thing. I got out of the car and did some weird bow/curtsy thing saying thank you and good night because that is the type of game I have. 

It felt good to have someone and something else in my life. On my bad days, he would rub my back until I fell asleep on his couch. We would talk about anything and everything. It was so nice to sit down and have dinner and hear about each other’s days. It was a sense of normalcy when I so desperately needed it. Everything about the relationship just seemed easy. Communication was always so hard with me when it came to dating but he made me feel heard and would listen to my opinions when we disagreed on things. Obviously with relationships comes the intimacy part. Karen and Larry - if you are reading this; STOP NOW. I AM SERIOUS! YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE! I was obviously nervous; outside of the normal nerves of being with a new partner. I had just had massive surgery on my inside lady parts and wasn’t sure how things would go. He was so understanding and never made me feel bad for things that did or did not happen. Let’s just saw it didn’t go well. I cried. There was a lot of embarrassment and frustration on my end and if there was on his, he never once let it show. The first few attempts had similar unsuccessful outcomes. I was so frustrated, angry, upset (and horny) and I was just so mad at my body for betraying me again. I did feel lucky I was with this guy during this time. I don’t know if others would have been so patient or reassuring.

Like all relationships, there are factors that either make it successful or not. Us not working out was not because of one party cheating, having it become long distance when I moved back to DC or one party no longer having feelings for the other. I don’t want to get into the details of it because it’s gossipy and I don’t want to call out things that will only cause more drama. I know we were both hurt it didn’t end up working out. I know I was very upset. It was heartbreaking to know I had a connection with someone and it was suddenly gone. I was being thrown back into the dating pool and that was the last place I wanted to be again while finishing my treatments. Would I find another guy I would have a connection with or did I miss my chance?

I moved back to DC on January 3, 2020. What perfect timing. To all the people who dated or met their partner during peak COVID, props to you. I was not one of them. I didn’t feel comfortable putting myself out there physically and emotionally. I think 6-9 months into COVID, I finally downloaded a couple apps. It took many sessions with Dr. Trevino and a lot of support from my friends to even set up a profile. I always felt like apps are so contrived. Like you have to have the best picture and always have some witty response. I’m not bringing a lot of those to the table. At first I would just swipe to see who was out there. If I matched with someone, I was too scared to say anything. I didn’t feel ready and what the fuck do I even talk about?! I really should have tried this earlier in my life! Eventually I felt ready to start talking to matches because I realized my dream guy wasn’t going to just magically appear in my studio apartment.

None of the messaging with those early guys ever went anywhere. That was ok. I was proud of myself for just saying hi. And then one night, I learned dating post cancer lesson #1. I had been talking to a guy for a few days and it had been going well. We had talked about making plans to meet for a drink. And then he asked for my instagram handle. I purposely do not link that to my dating profiles. His had a public account so I could do some light stalking no problem. What I should have said was “No, not at this time. I don’t give out my instagram to guys I haven’t met yet.” Instead I gave him my handle and said there are some personal things on there that will probably need to be explained. To quickly sum up the rest of the conversation, he said best of luck with cancer and dating. And that was that. I was crushed. I hadn’t even met him and my feelings were hurt. Fucking Carl ruining the day again. I was at Heather’s when it happened and we were facetiming with Amanda so they did their best to cheer me up. Heather made me a post-it sticker that says “I came out as a colon cancer person”. I still have it - It’s on my bathroom mirror. I smile everytime I see it. Lesson learned.

After that there were more stalled conversations and some not so great first dates. Seriously - one of them involved a guy completely blowing up my bathroom and then immediately leaving. I never heard from him after that night. Did I mention it was the 1st date? Yeah - not great. But I was trying! Still fucking sucked. I was finding the matches to be less frequent. Was it me? Was I being too picky? Were my profiles really bad? WHY WAS THIS SO HARD!?!?!

This past summer, I matched with a guy on Tinder. We had texted a bit and we talked on the phone and it was easy conversation. He wanted to meet for dinner. I was excited about this prospect. It wasn’t the best first date I had been on and not the worst but I was pretty sure he wasn’t the guy for me. I figured when he asked to see me again I should give it a shot because first dates can be a bit awkward. Date #2 was ok - a movie and a walk around the water. Not much talking and what would have been a romantic walk was just not because it was raining and we were both soaked and uncomfortable. He asked me out for Date #3 and said we were going to make sushi together. I gave him an A for originality, but I just didn’t feel the spark. A couple days later I invited him over and this time I would make brunch and give it one more shot. While I was slicing avocados I let him know what my situation was. His immediate response was “But you don’t look sick”. I do not know how I did not slice off my finger or stab him. He asked maybe 2 or 3 questions and that was that. You’re probably thinking to yourself, so you obviously ended it after that disaster. And you would be incorrect. Why? Because I am an idiot. I was also lonely and tired of being single. We saw each other a handful more times and not once did he ever bring up my cancer again or ask any questions. Things with that guy eventually fizzled out with no real ending. Probably for the best.

Early on in talking about dating with Dr. Trevino, I had talked at length about my fear of telling a guy I had cancer. She had asked me what I thought would be the worst thing that would happen. I said that I really like him and he immediately leaves.  She told me no guy would ever run out screaming from a restaurant or wherever I tell him. And if he did, I don’t want to be with a guy like that. And I know that. (If you are reading this Dr. Trevino, don’t be mad I said that last sentence. I know I’m not supposed to say it.) We’re currently working on Plan C and Plans D through Z. But the fear is there. The fear of being rejected for so many reasons is already scary enough without cancer in the mix.

I am so tired and scared of being alone. If you are going to tell me there is still plenty of time to meet someone or families come in all shapes and sizes I will fucking punch you in the throat. That is not what I am looking to hear. Nor am I looking for pity. My cancer is real and knowingly bringing it into a relationship is scary and hard. Carl has already taken so much from me and I can’t imagine the heartbreak of him taking this away from me. Over the last couple years, some of the topics discussed during the “Dating After Cancer” have been mentioned to me by my doctors. A lot of it is being told to use protection and make safe/good choices. There was a similar class I attended virtually about a year ago but the discussion was geared towards people with partners already. Cool - that wasn’t a huge waste of my time. There have been more classes and group zooms but haven’t felt compelled enough to join them. I haven’t asked what is being discussed exactly and but I’m sure it involves learning when to disclose your story (seems like an obvious one). Probably a lot about open and honest conversations (I would assume that’s just basic dating but definitely more so for cancer people I guess). I probably still need that class. But I have therapy and I’m not so good with the generalization of ideas, tips & tricks. I need a Dating After Cancer Class for Jennifer Lava class.

A lot of the time I think about that time machine that doesn’t exist and going back to my early 20’s. Yes, to have a colonoscopy or 2 but mostly to tell past me to try a little harder. Maybe I would have met Mr. Right then and I wouldn’t have to be going through this single. I also think about what if I accidentally swiped left on my perfect match. Did I miss my chance? Did I waste all my opportunities? Currently, my algorithm seems to only want to send me options of men with the complete opposite things I’m looking for. It also keeps giving me options for guys who live way outside of DC but I usually don’t see options for the other side of the city which I could metro to. It doesn’t make sense!?!?!?! Can someone help me out here? I feel like I’m doing this whole thing wrong. I really don’t understand these apps. To be honest, I’m less than thrilled.

Dating is hard. Living in a city with a notoriously bad dating scene is hard. Cancer is stupid hard. But I can do hard things. So I guess I will keep trying. I could always move to a quaint town to organize their harvest festival and fall for the town’s single, very attractive handyman/mayor with a tragic backstory. Or I go to Rome and see a screening of “Bringing Up Baby” and hope I laugh at the same parts with a handsome stranger.