The Funniest or Worst Story (you decide)

Me with my least favorite machine, the colorectal scope.

Once again, the alarm went off way earlier than I had wanted it to. It took me a minute to remember why I had set my alarm for 5:45AM. Fuckity fuck. That’s right; I have colon cancer. Fuck me. I have to go meet with my colorectal surgeon and my oncologist today.  I was definitely still in shock. Still thinking, “what in the actual fuck is happening”.  As I took my 3rd shower in 24 hours, I tried to let the hot water wash away my fears or negative thoughts. I wanted to just stay there as long as I could to prevent what would be another emotional day. Still wanting to make a good impression, I kept my hair naturally curly (that effortless look that no one gave 2 shits about), another sleeveless dress, and minimal makeup to try and cover up the bags under my eyes. We once again stopped for coffee and bagels before heading back into the city. I once again declined both. I spent the car ride trying to distract myself with my phone and facetiming with Stefanie and her tiny lunatics. 

One of Stefanie’s best friends, Lauren, had worked with Dr. Weiser previously and had nothing but high praises for him so I felt a little better knowing that. I knew I was his first patient of the day so I didn’t have to wait long to be called back. I was getting used to the routine of changing into the gown and robe they had provided. My mom had her little notebook out ready to take notes for when the doctor would walk in. My dad was trying to keep me calm by talking about the ridiculous things my nephews had said. After a short time, a nurse walked in to take my vitals. I could feel the knots in my stomach grow tighter as I waited for the door to open again for the doctor. Instead, the nurse stood firm and asked, “I assume you did the prep for the scope?” What in the hell is she talking about. I was totally clueless. I quickly asked “What scope? No one mentioned anything to me about a scope.” She stood her ground and said “Dr. Weiser always does a scope before every appointment. We need to do an enema. When was the last time you ate?” What in the fuck is happening right now!?! I felt like I was in the wrong appointment. I was convinced she was in the wrong room. “I had a colonoscopy yesterday around 4ish and had a milkshake around 8 I think. But no one said anything about a scope or needing to prepare for anything. Are you sure he needs it?” “Yes,” she sternly snapped back at me.

She explained how the enema was going to work and about the scope. I was so tired and so frustrated I just nodded and said yes to every step she had laid out. She closed the curtain between me and my parents and I turned onto my side for what I would expect to be a less than pleasant experience as I had never had one before. It was very quick and mostly painless. I thought the worst of it was over but I was oh so wrong. She then said “since you didn’t do the prep, I’m going to give you one more just to be safe.” I have never clutched my buttcheeks so hard as I did in that moment. Words were starting to fail me. Even the curse words that live on the tip of my tongue. All I could manage was “I’ve only had a milkshake and water in the past 24 hours, I really don’t think that’s necessary!” I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do. She once again said it was just to be on the safe side and told me to relax. I tried my hardest to not keep my entire body tense as she administered the second enema. 

As she cleaned up and took off her gloves she said that the effects would start within 15 minutes and the bathroom was right through the door in the back of the room. As soon as she left, I turned to my parents and I lost it. I just kept saying how unnecessary it was and no one said anything. Why did I need two and that seemed really excessive! And why did this have to happen to me!?!? For those few minutes my parents tried to calm me and make jokes to keep me from losing my mind. Before I knew it, the bathroom was calling my name. How there was anything left in my body from the day before, I did not know. I was so angry and exhausted as I sat in the bathroom. I did not want to sit on another toilet for as long as possible once I was done. After a bit, I left the bathroom and sat back down on the examination chair. All I could say to my parents was how much my ass hurt and I was less than thrilled with the current situation. 

A few minutes later, Dr. Weiser came in and introduced himself. He had such a positive disposition and seemed like the kind of doctor who would appreciate my inappropriate jokes. After we exchanged pleasantries he said, “Well, obviously we don’t need to do a scope today.” Not even 5 seconds after that sentence was out of his mouth, the nurse turned and sprinted out of the room. I could not believe it. No no no no no no! This could not be happening! How did this just happen to me? Somehow, with all my will power, I did not yell at this man. I very calmly but sternly responded “Are you sure? The nurse just gave me 2 enemas and at this point I think maybe you should.” I feel like I needed to get my money’s worth out of what I just went through the last half hour. 

I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Did he find it funny? Was he mad at his nurse? DId he think I was a crazy person for volunteering for a probe up my butt? I really should have asked him. He quickly apologized and said they should have double checked with him because he knew I had just had a colonoscopy the night before. He knew nothing would have changed within 18 hours. Well fuck me for not pushing back harder on the nurse. 

In all my visits back with him, I have never seen that nurse again. I don’t know if she moved departments or is too scared to face me. If I do have the pleasure of seeing her again, I would like the opportunity to thank her for making me pee out my butt unnecessarily. I don’t wish ill upon her, but I do hope one day, she will be forced to have a double enema for no reason at all.