Wait! What?

Puffy eyes from a sleepless night due to these 2 items. Also note, a post-pooping shower is the best shower.

I somehow slept till 9:15. It was probably exhaustion. All the appointments the day before had left me wiped out. I tried to process all the information I had just gotten within the last 24 hours. Day 2 of being a cancer patient was a little weird. I laid in bed for an hour or so looking at my phone. My parents had gone to work and I was enjoying the quiet and alone time. I finally had somewhat of an appetite and started making my way downstairs to the kitchen. I was looking to see what was in the fridge while I was FaceTiming Stef (this would be the start of our multiple daily calls that still continue today). Mid call I saw that someone from Sloan was calling and told them quickly I would call them back. I had assumed it was someone to schedule a pre-op visit or go over my information. That was definitely not the case.

It was Dr. Sonoda. We exchanged pleasantries and then he got right down to business. He asked “How often are you moving your bowels”? I immediately responded everyday and was very confused. “Really?” he asked. I said “Ummm, yes. Every evening around 7:30.” (If you are going to judge me for my night poops, you can join Heather & Stefanie for that. I do not see a problem with that time.) Poor Dr. Sonoda. He was getting my full TMI story from every direction and it did not seem like he was used to my oversharing nature. Then he threw out the curve ball of the century. He let me know that a small mass appeared in my colon from my CT the day before. And also a tiny spot on my liver. Wait! What? My brain was processing this really, really slowly. I was so confused. I had ovarian cancer. Why would my colon be a problem? He told me to stop eating because I was scheduled for a colonoscopy the next day. 1 - FUCK! I was finally ready to eat solids. Not just smoothies or ice pops. 2 - FUCKITY FUCK! How and why was there something else? Too many things were happening and I didn’t have anyone around me to take in all this information. I scribbled notes on a pad. Definitely not coherent sentences let alone any proper wording. He finally told me a nurse would be calling shortly to go over what I needed to get but I was allowed to have clear liquids. Remember when I had to make those phone calls to my family and it sucked so much? It’s equally if not worse having to do it a second time in less then a week. I called my parents and Stef and Marc giving what little information I had. I tried to remain calm and level headed. Thank you shock for allowing me not to completely melt down on the den floor. 

Knowing that eating was now off the table, I think I tried to drink as much water as possible because I didn’t know what else to do. I know I turned the tv to watch whatever was on daytime television and laid on the couch in a partial daze trying to not let my mind wander. When my phone vibrated on the glass table, it completely startled me. Really glad no one was there to watch me spaz out from under the blankets. I don’t know if I wish I could recall the conversation with the nurse because, you know, trauma, but I do know that whoever I spoke to was very kind and patient. The nurse from the gastroenterologist’s office went over what I needed to buy and when/how much to take it. She had to repeat it all a couple times while I wrote it all out and tried to commit to memory. After confirming they would send me the information through the patient portal I had to go through calling/texting my family with the update. Now I just needed to get dressed and figure out how to get to CVS. I called my friend Kate to see if she could take me. She immediately headed over to my house to help me and take me wherever I needed. I put on the softest, loosest comfy pants and sweatshirt I could find. Anything pressing against my stomach was a torture device. At this point, walking was extremely painful, as was moving in general. Kate had stomach issues so she was not new to the colonoscopy prep and knew what it was like to have horrible pains. She did not judge me at all for walking through CVS completely doubled over, moving at a snail’s pace. She helped me carry all my supplies and waited patiently as I looked at the different options for laxatives and liquid choice. I went with yellow gatorade. I already had an aversion to it from when I had pneumonia at 15 so I figured I wouldn’t have to ruin another drink. When we got back to my house she helped me prepare everything and sat with me before I had to officially start the process. She was telling me funny stories from work and sharing gossip about people we used to work with. She listened while I recapped my appointments from the day before. Laughed at all the places I made terrible jokes at. It was just what I needed. At 4pm I took my laxatives and began drinking the first half of the gatorade/miralax mixture. My mom came home while I was about halfway through the drink and we just sat around talking like it was completely normal. Fun times. Kate left before this cocktail kicked in.

My appointment wasn’t until the late afternoon the next day so I knew I had a long night ahead of me. My family and close friends know I am not shy about my bathroom behaviors. Normalize talking about your poops people! It makes things less taboo and easier for people to ask questions or for help! So of course I was more than willing to share “in the moment” updates with those closest to me. Sorry not sorry. Meghan had suggested I bring in my laptop and watch a movie since I would probably be in there all night. I honestly came really close to doing that. Since my appointment wasn’t until 4:30pm, I didn’t start the 2nd half of my drink until 6AM. So I had a night of non stop pooping ahead of me as well as the morning? Cool, cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. This fucking sucked. There are 3 things I learned that night. 1 - Once you realize you are just peeing out your butt, it’s not that bad. 2 - never trust a fart! 3 - Because of 1 and 2, stay close to a bathroom and don’t even bother wearing pants. (Please note - I did NOT shart or poop my pants. I swear! These are just things I thought of because I am a smart adult.) I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep that night. It definitely was not consecutive. I remember at one point just laying on the bathroom mat in the fetal position because I was just too tired. By 6AM, it took all of my energy to try and get the rest of the drink down. Key word is try. I had about half of it left before my body completely rejected the rest. I started to throw up anytime I took another sip. Coming out both ends. This is officially the worst experience of my life. At some point in the afternoon my dad brought my water to try and rehydrate me but nothing wanted to stay in my system. When it was time to head back in the city, I had my mom pack me an extra set of clothes because I was feeling confident I was going to poop my pants at some point during the journey. Don’t worry - I made it! 

Again, no clue how long I waited in the waiting room or when they took me back to get prepped. The brain really is so good at self preservation. When the nurse was going through her list of questions, I had let her know that I had thrown up and she said “with a mass that big, your organs are all pressed together so there’s not much room in there.” I honestly felt better that there was a valid reason. Since I had thrown up, they had to put me fully under. I was so very excited for a nap. And what a great medically induced nap it was; aided by some very strong anesthesia. I have no recollection of it, but after the colonoscopy I apparently kept waking up and asking my mom if she texted my friends. She would say yes and I would fall back asleep. When I finally woke up for real and asked her for probably the 5th or 6th time, she laughed as she told me she did and let me know it was definitely not the first time we had been through this conversation. Shortly after waking up I was given crackers & apple juice (food from the heavens!) Dr. Robin Mendelsohn (my new gastro doctor), came in and had the honor of letting me know that not only was the mass cancer but I had colon cancer. Wait! What now? There was a lot of nodding on my part. I was exhausted, hungry and hella confused on just about everything that had occurred in only a few short days. How does a seemingly healthy 34 year old woman have colon cancer??? She let me know that Dr. Sonoda would be in touch with next steps and it was time to get me home and fed. 

Because I am a weirdo and a gross human, I was craving a chocolate milkshake. My parents said they would stop at our local ice cream store I worked at in high school, Mark & Julies, to get me one. They asked if I wanted anything more substantial but my body was back in shock and real food didn’t seem that appealing anymore. We made it from the Upper East Side to the Lincoln Tunnel before Dr. Sonoda called. He confirmed what Dr. Mendelsohn had just told us and I started laughing. How was this my life? How did I have a male cancer? How did the ovary mass get so huge but my colon mass didn’t? How did my body not let me know? I just had to laugh because I was just too tired from crying. He let me know that he had already made some calls and got me scheduled at 8:30AM the next day with a colorectal surgeon, Dr. Martin Weiser and with a gastro oncologist, Dr. Diane Reidy. He wasn’t able to get me in with a liver surgeon, Dr. Peter Kingham until Friday. Well this week’s activities seemed to have scheduled themselves. 

We called my siblings to give them an update about the new information. These phone calls were really starting to be the bane of my existence. I don’t remember the 2nd half of the drive. We somehow ended up in the parking lot outside the ice cream store. My dad ran in to get me my shake because I wasn’t up for interacting with any other humans. While my mom and I sat in the car I kept thinking over and over again how I had colon cancer. It was fucking bizarre. It made no sense. It sounded wrong. No one prepares you for getting a cancer diagnosis. Definitely not one that is not common in women. We got home and I started making the phone calls to my friends to officially say “I have colon cancer.” I think I only got through 4 of them. It was 8:30 but felt like midnight. I knew I had another long day ahead of me and just wanted to sleep without fear of pooping the bed. 

I couldn’t really even think about tomorrow and what it would entail. I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and I had only just been diagnosed. This whole thing fucking sucked. I passed out pretty quickly having no clue what was in store for me next. And oh, what an eventful morning it was!