The talk.

The closest photo of this topic I could find.

Not that one you dirty bird. We’re having the other talk. So get your giggles out now. Or not. It is a little bit (or a lot) funny. 

I know this may make some people uncomfortable so totally fine if you decide to stop reading here. But we have to have this talk and get it out of the way. I can’t tell my story and tip toe around some of the less glamorous aspects. So buckle up and let’s do this.

First of all … EVERYBODY POOPS! Just so we’re all clear, every single person poops. Your mom, your sister, your aunt. Your girlfriend who you are convinced is the exception. She totally does. She’s probably scrolling through instagram on the toilet as we speak. Your high school crush you are convinced was perfect in every way also did then and still does today. It’s not lady-like and not something you want to think about but it is totally how the body works. 

I am someone who thinks potty humor is funny. I’m sure my parents are thrilled that I am putting that out there. It’s the truth. Definitely not something I bring up on a 1st date but here we are. When my nephews tell me about a stinky toot or my niece tells me she made a “big big poop” they know I will laugh hysterically and be very proud.

I know I’m not the only one out there who thinks it’s funny or talks about. I’m definitely not the only girl. How do I know? I have daily conversations with some of my friends about it. Not in a gross way where we describe every detail. But in a “how often do you go?” “what’s a natural way to get things moving?” “I ate way too many Trader Joe's dried mangoes and now I can’t stop farting” kind of way. Yes, I know I can just google these things, but there isn’t any comfort in that. It is way less nerve-racking asking your friends or siblings these kinds of things. 

Yes, bathroom talk is not something that should be discussed loudly in the middle of a restaurant but it should be discussed. It is something the body naturally does and you should not be scared to ask questions. I promise you, no doctor will laugh at you (at least not in front of you) for asking questions. None of my doctors or nurses did and I had many questions and comments related to this topic. There are people who want and/or need to know these things. Believe me, I know. I was asked to take part in a study where I sent in my poop. But that’s a story for another day. Obviously not everyone wants to talk about it or feels comfortable hearing these things and that’s totally ok. I know it may be weird to ask your friend about their poops and toots, especially when it relates to their illness. It may feel like you’re double-y crossing a line. Unless you're like my friend Eric who believes the line doesn’t exist and just leans hard into the jokes. It cuts away any tension or nerves and it is very much appreciated. 

If you are concerned there is something wrong and keep that bottled up because of embarrassment, you are only hurting yourself. It’s a little weird and silly and uncomfortable but having peace of mind is so much better! Just know there are people out there that are willing to listen to your concerns about how often you poop.

Ok male species. You’ve made it this far but now for the topic you have been anxiously waiting for. PERIODS. 

Quick question? Do you think women like getting their periods? I can 100% confirm that no woman enjoys bleeding 3-7 days every month for about 35ish years. This isn’t some trend that we all wanted to be a part of. It’s not going away any time soon so you may want to start getting used to it. If girls are forced to sit through a VERY awkward movie in the 5th grade you can sit through this. If you want to ask me about my (former) menstrual cycle, I am totally cool with that. Or if you have general questions about that time of the month, feel free to ask! I am an open book. There are many, many questions about this topic and that is totally normal and a-ok. 

I remember the embarrassment of hiding a tampon or pad in middle school on my way to the bathroom. I was so worried that someone would see or hear the wrapping and everyone would know! Why was I so embarrassed? It’s plastic and cotton! There’s no blood on it! Maybe my teachers would have given me some extra sympathy if they knew I was having a rough couple days. Maybe my friends would know I wasn’t being a bitch for no reason. 

It is so patronizing and infuriating when a woman gets angry or upset and a guy’s first response is “I bet it’s that time of the month.” First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how dare you. Third of all, fuck you. Women would like to not cry at a cereal commercial or lose their shit over getting asked “what should we have for dinner”. We can’t help it that our hormones are going a little crazy or it feels like our ovaries are being stabbed over and over and over again. It’s not a pleasant or fun experience. 0 out of 10 would recommend. If young girls weren’t asked if it’s their time of the month or hear older women being accused of it as well, it would help take away the stigma that having your period is shameful. Having your period doesn’t make you weak or less powerful. Just the opposite!

Every woman experiences that time of the month differently.  Every woman has a different name for it. Every woman reacts differently to being asked questions about it. You can ask general questions to your female friends or girlfriends or wives without getting the gross details. What you cannot do, is make her feel less than over something she cannot control. I’m not saying you can’t ask how heavy her flow is - I’m saying it should be someone who isn’t going to throat punch you in response. 

These topics are often avoided and tiptoed around. We all can do a better job at normalizing the discussions around them. When someone close to you is going through something related to either of these, it can be intimidating to start the conversation without feeling like you are prying too much. It’s funny and awkward and it is only in our best interest to make everyone feel a bit more comfortable in their bodies. 

I know I got the 2 for 1 special with Carl. My parents got to hear some major Jennifer TMI in my doctors appointments. My family and friends got to know way more about my bodily functions than they were bargaining for. At the end of the day, I think we were all better for it. No one judged me or made me feel bad about myself. It opened up a lot of conversations with people about our bodies and our experiences. It made me closer to the people in my life. So the next time your friend lets one rip or her aunt flow is visiting, it just may be the thing that brings you closer together.