Today was a hard day
The first picture I’ve taken of myself crying. Ever. (Also, not a filter - that’s the glow from my laptop)
Today was a hard day. There is really no reason why. I didn’t have a scary or upsetting dream. I have no upcoming appointments I’m worried about. I didn’t receive any devastating news. I woke up and started my day like any other but was feeling tired and a little sadder than usual. I checked my phone & took my antidepressant like normal. I washed my face & brushed my teeth. I changed my estrogen patch. (I’m on that Monday/Thursday schedule.) It felt like a Friday which sucked because it was only Thursday. For some reason I could not snap out of it. I used the ice coffee feature on my keurig for the 1st time. It came out really great if you were wondering. But even that didn’t really help things.
I know there is no reason for days to be bad. I know I can’t control my feelings or emotions. But it really sucks. It’s not the first day I’ve felt this and I know it will not be the last. By 9:45 I was crying over nothing. Or everything. I was so upset and so angry and so frustrated. I wanted to scream. I wanted to close my laptop and crawl back into bed. I wasn’t anxious or feeling like a panic attack was coming on so I didn't take my xanax. So I was left sitting at my kitchen table crying over nothing in particular except life.
I am an ugly crier. My nose gets all red. My eyes get puffy. And my skin gets all splotchy.
I had no desire to turn on happy music and try to force myself to snap out of it. I didn’t even feel like playing sad songs and leaning into my emotions. I just wanted to do nothing. I tried focusing on my actual work but it was so hard. It took so much energy to send even one email. I Facetimed with Meghan and that helped for a little bit but I still felt sad and tired and angry and frustrated. I was still sore from my spin class/ride 2 days ago so I really couldn’t muster the strength to do one at lunch. Instead I took a shower because 1 - I was hella gross. 2 - I was having dinner with Heather tonight. And 3 - I was hoping that would help a little. It didn’t really help.
My post shower smoothie shockingly did nothing to help my spirits.I somehow made it to the end of the day. Not my most productive day but I made it through. I was trying so hard to get excited for dinner with Heather. It was 75 degrees today and we were going to a restaurant we’ve wanted to try for a while. They had a whole pretty patio situation. You would think that just knowing you would be having dinner & drinks with your best friend would magically make the pain go away. You would be wrong. It definitely helped some, don’t get me wrong. It took about a half hour before the tightness in my chest started to go away. The French 75 probably helped that too. We talked about what I was feeling. We talked about a year living in COVID times. We talked about all the places we want to travel to. We talked about a hundred other things that best friends talk about. And we laughed. A lot.
There’s no rhyme or reason to the bad days. Everyone has them. Cancer or not. But do your friends with cancer a solid and don’t try to force them out of it if they are not ready. Let them live in their feelings. Don’t tell us “it’s ok. it’s going to get better” We fucking know. We’re entitled to feel sadness and anger and frustration and jealousy and resentment. All humans are. But when things are taken away or changed beyond our control, we are all doing our best to cope and live with it. I have days I forget I have/had cancer. There are even a few days I forget I will need an egg donor. And there are days when I can’t do anything but relive all my traumas. I’m not going to tell you it’s all about dusting yourself off and getting up again. Fuck that. Fuck surviving and thriving. Live your life with all the emotions. We’re all entitled to not be happy 100% of the time. Sometimes all you can do is just make it through the day. Whatever you had to do to get to the end of the day, you did it.